Faceplant

Noug dumped me on Monday.

This isn’t one of the more funny posts.

It all happened really fast. There was no lead up, no fighting. He came over with the specific intent of breaking up with me while I was puttering around the house trying to figure out what to cook him for dinner.

I promised to be honest in this blog and I will be. This hurts. This hurts a whole lot- more than pretty much any of the breakdowns in relationships that have happened over the last few months. It’s easy to blame the cancer. While I do not want anyone to become a slave to my disease and treat me like a fragile china doll because I am sick, I have cancer. Dealing with me has more implications than the average person. He had been there since I was diagnosed and supported me through everything. When I was first going through the diagnosis process, I gave him an easy out and told him to leave if he thought it was going to be too much. He chose not to. I spent awhile deliberating about ending it then rather than continue because I feared this exactly: a breakup halfway through treatment when I am the most vulnerable. The biggest part of my in-person support network is gone and that the rug is pulled out from under me.

Honestly, I don’t know what happened. The past two weeks have been very tough for me- I’m dealing with almost crippling anxiety at times, the stress of getting a car, disappointment of the scan not being completely clean, and being down all around. When I get stressed and anxious, I shut down. Maybe that affected him more than I knew, but it seemed like if anyone was being distant and disconnected, it was me.

In a word, it sucks.

I can’t keep track of how many people I told, “I don’t know how I’d get through this without my wonderfully supportive boyfriend.” Now I have to figure that out.

It’s still raw right now so I might be overreacting, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive him for breaking my trust like this. It throws a wrench in my social life because as of right now, except for my coworkers and 3 ex-boyfriends who happen to live in town, everyone I see are people I met through him. Even my roommate. We exist very much in the same social sphere. Not just overlapping, but the same one. There’s a reason why I typically don’t date people who are friends with people I actually would like to be friends with. I am suddenly rocked by that reminder.

In other news, every join currently hurts and my muscles are spasming. Thanks, chemo.

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Posted in Personal Stuff
5 comments on “Faceplant
  1. rozzibee says:

    That sucks. I am so sorry that you have to go through this on top of everything else. I sometimes think that if me and my hubby hadn’t been married with a child when I was going through chemo, we wouldn’t have made it. Maybe he’s scared? Cancer is a life changing thing and maybe he can’t handle seeing you go through it? That’s me giving him the benefit of the doubt.

    Then there’s the part of me that says, if he breaks up with you whilst you’re going through this, he’s not the right guy for you anyway x

    • aemorse says:

      Well it was never meant to be a “forever” thing. Maybe a year at most because we want different things long term. We discussed this before we entered into anything remotely committed so we’d both be on the same page. I cared about him and was happy, and was completely ignorant to the fact that he wasn’t happy besides minor tensions until the end. It’s the cumulative effect of everything.

  2. caroline says:

    If you are in Newton, go call Facing Cancer Together (www.facingcancertogether.org) and meet some new people and establish a new support network. Cancer is only lonely if you let it be. Go find some new people who can help you cope Hang in there.

  3. Sue says:

    You are an amazingly strong person, so while this wound is raw and painful, keep belief in that you will absolutely make it through this journey. In the meantime, feel free to lean a little more on those of us around you. I hope that the social circle near your home can maintain itself through the transition…it might be awkward, but it will come together.

  4. Kayla says:

    I don’t really have anything helpful/not cliche to say at the moment but I just wanted you to know I went through a similar thing after I got diagnosed and if you ever want to talk, please feel free to contact me. I hope you are feeling a little better. Stay strong ❤

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