Noug dumped me on Monday.
This isn’t one of the more funny posts.
It all happened really fast. There was no lead up, no fighting. He came over with the specific intent of breaking up with me while I was puttering around the house trying to figure out what to cook him for dinner.
I promised to be honest in this blog and I will be. This hurts. This hurts a whole lot- more than pretty much any of the breakdowns in relationships that have happened over the last few months. It’s easy to blame the cancer. While I do not want anyone to become a slave to my disease and treat me like a fragile china doll because I am sick, I have cancer. Dealing with me has more implications than the average person. He had been there since I was diagnosed and supported me through everything. When I was first going through the diagnosis process, I gave him an easy out and told him to leave if he thought it was going to be too much. He chose not to. I spent awhile deliberating about ending it then rather than continue because I feared this exactly: a breakup halfway through treatment when I am the most vulnerable. The biggest part of my in-person support network is gone and that the rug is pulled out from under me.
Honestly, I don’t know what happened. The past two weeks have been very tough for me- I’m dealing with almost crippling anxiety at times, the stress of getting a car, disappointment of the scan not being completely clean, and being down all around. When I get stressed and anxious, I shut down. Maybe that affected him more than I knew, but it seemed like if anyone was being distant and disconnected, it was me.
In a word, it sucks.
I can’t keep track of how many people I told, “I don’t know how I’d get through this without my wonderfully supportive boyfriend.” Now I have to figure that out.
It’s still raw right now so I might be overreacting, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive him for breaking my trust like this. It throws a wrench in my social life because as of right now, except for my coworkers and 3 ex-boyfriends who happen to live in town, everyone I see are people I met through him. Even my roommate. We exist very much in the same social sphere. Not just overlapping, but the same one. There’s a reason why I typically don’t date people who are friends with people I actually would like to be friends with. I am suddenly rocked by that reminder.
In other news, every join currently hurts and my muscles are spasming. Thanks, chemo.