I would really like to tell you that my life has been all unicorns riding rainbows through space since chemo ended, but they weren’t kidding when they said survivorship is tough. The past month has been a limbo – done with treatment but not really feeling “done” since I haven’t had a clean scan. My scan was on Friday and despite pestering phone calls, I am still waiting for the results.
There’s a reason that they call those receiving medical care “patients”.
So instead of thinking about that, I’ll impress my readers with my feats of sheer will. Last week alone I have a) started my MBA, b) hosted the first [hopefully] monthly Stupid Cancer Happy Hour, c) applied to go on Birthright Israel in December, and d) gotten in touch with the Brandeis president of Colleges Against Cancer and am excited to work with student groups to heighten awareness of cancer in young adults. The week before, I had my Purple Party (the Hodgkin’s ribbon is violet, but that only alliterates negatively). Unfortunately I do not have pictures of all the purple foods (purple roast potatoes, plum and pluot pie, baba ganoush) or drinks or outfits.
Despite doing so many things, I am still living and breathing by my scans. Scanxiety is a very real thing. I feel like I’m going through the motions – planning things without much meat to it because I don’t know if I will be able to follow through.
People tend to forget that even though treatment is over, cancer is not over for survivors. I am painfully aware of every last statistic for every last thing that can go wrong. And yes, I also know the good statistics, but those don’t cling to my subconscious.