And so it was over.
My last chemo was on Friday. I walked in knowing there was a possibility to be the end but I was sure they were going to have me go until October. I did not mentally prepare for the end at all.
It’s sort of an emotional roller coaster. I haven’t felt any one thing for a period of time greater than 10 seconds since I walked in the door this morning.
A few people have asked me if I feel excited or elated. The honest answer is that it’s hard to tell. I imagine it sounds really quite negative to not be bouncing all over the place with joy to be done with this thing that’s taken up all of my time and energy for the past 8 months: but as I’ve said before, it really isn’t done.
I don’t have another appointment in the cancer center for 3 weeks. Of course, I’ll be back next week to see my oncopsych (in the “happy place” of the cancer center) and my therapist (in the same hospital but not in the center) – but no blood draws, no sticks, no sickening smell of alcohol swabs.
At the same time, I’m so used to every other Friday actively working toward kicking cancer’s ass. I have a hard time accepting that the chemo has done its job and will probably be a nervous wreck until after my PET scan next month. In some ways it’s more stressful than being diagnosed – I’ve spent so much time, from the 2 months of diagnosis and prep to the 6 months of chemo, with a distinct goal in mind. Now I’m here and it’s out of everyone’s hands.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to not be so sick all the time. Between my last two chemos was basically a straight two weeks of feeling HORRIFICALLY ill. There was even a point last week where I really thought I was going to need to go to the ER because I was having my own private Mexico moment. Anyone who knows what happened in Chiapas gets that – the rest can avoid using their imaginations. My onc told me as I walked out, “I’m so sorry for making you sick one last time”.
I cried all the way leaving chemo as I hugged all of my nurses and the wonderful receptionist. Then cried on the bench outside waiting for the valet to get my car with a woman in radiation for breast cancer (she was wearing a Stupid Cancer bracelet so we started talking). Then cried all the way home.
On to survivorship!